the worst decision of my life.

19:11
I've realised now at 25 years old that going on birth control in early adulthood was most likely the worst decision I've ever made in my life. I just received my hormone test results back and it solidifies that every issue I've had since going off birth control at 21, has stemmed from the pill. I'm disappointed for a number of reasons that birth control seemed to be such a good idea at the time and that nobody in an authoritative position said otherwise (my parents aren't included in this rant by the way because I don't hold them accountable for not being knowledgeable in an area that they aren't required to be). Firstly, I'm disappointed in my schooling. I'm disappointed in the fact that sex education focused on how not to get pregnant, rather than on how to understand the female reproductive system. That my teachers instructed us girls that the pill was the safest bet, rather than informing us that we only have six fertile days each month. I'm disappointed that adults who were supposed to inform and educate, used fear mongering tactics to make every single teenage girl feel terrified about having to deal with the "burden" of these sex organs. Teenage girls should feel empowered about their bodies, and most importantly, they should be educated on how to understand their bodies. I'm closer to 30 than I am 20, and I am only just starting to embrace my menstrual cycle. I'm only just starting to realise that real empowerment for me, is through self-compassion. I don't want this to turn into some hippy bullshit explanation on why periods are the new fad, but honestly, taking control of my body for me means owning everything that comes with it. Secondly, I'm disappointed in my GP. I'm disappointed in the fact that when I raised concerns with her back in 2013 that I was thinking about going off of the pill, she met me with so much resistance and assured me almost aggressively that I could stay on the pill for the rest of my life and never have any problems or issues because of it. She made me feel so uncomfortable about the whole experience that I went off of the pill anyway and never told her. She still doesn't know, but that being said I haven't seen her in years. And I can say from my own personal experience, that the pill does cause problems. A lot of fucking problems. Hormone imbalances mainly. Imbalances that have been wreaking havoc on my body for years. I remember taking a Poliquin test back around 2012 and being told that my cortisol levels were high, and that I should go off the pill. Next, my Chinese medicine doctor advised the same thing. After doing more research into it, and receiving the push back from my GP, I decided to go off of it regardless of her medical opinion. Thank fuck that I did. 5 years on and my test results show my cortisol levels are at an all time high, and have been for some time. To the point where I'm just constantly functioning on fight or flight mode. Which makes sense because I'm always tired, I always feel stressed and anxious, I always get headaches and just on a whole, feel pretty shit house. I didn't acknowledge it because I thought I was just being whiny. But now I realise that it's actually a problem and I need to deal with it. I need to start meditating. I need to start doing more yoga. I need to start going on long walks in nature. I need to start taking care of myself in a more mindful way with the end goal being that I'm feeling relaxed as fuck. So far I'm clocking 8 minutes of meditation a day. Sometimes it's interrupted by dogs, or by stupid thoughts, or restless legs, but it's 8 minutes regardless. I'm also focusing on practicing yoga to feel good and making sure that I take savasana at the end. I'm implementing a thought process that goes one of two ways, does this make me more or less stressed? And if the answer is the former, then I know to avoid that shit like the mother fucking plague. Unfortunately there are some responsibilities in my life currently that involve a certain amount of stress. But on my downtime, my biggest goal is to be cool as a cucumber. It was suggested that smoking copious amounts of marijuana would do just the trick, but I think I need to do good ol' fashion hard work to get this bad boy under control. NOT TODAY CANNABIS!

The notion of the beyond is the death of life. I can't remember who said that, but it resonates with me. It's interesting to consider what would happen if we discovered that judgement after death does exist. Your years as a human being laid out in front of you for assessment. More good than bad gives you access to a form of heaven. More bad means banishment to a fiery pit of suffering for eternity. Realistically, I don't think many people would change the way they behave. People still smoke cigarettes even though they know that it causes cancer. Unhealthy food is still consumed even though it is the number one contributing factor to premature deaths around the world. If people are still happy to contribute to their demise with all of the evidence available to them, I don't think they would really make much of a shift if they knew they would be judged for their behaviours post-existence. People like instant gratification, and I think we enjoy some element of the, "This shit is so bad for me, but I'm going to do it anyway" mentality. Live fast, die young. That's the opposite of what I want in life. I want to live very slowly, at a glacial pace some might even say. And I want to be old as fuck. Because the older you get, the easier life gets. My dad is just about to retire. And my mum has been retired for the past few years. Those two have the best life together. They do whatever they want, when they want. They buy stuff when they want it. They always have several different dessert options at any given time, which I just find to be obnoxious. Especially when the dessert options at my house include a banana (dipped in honey and/or peanut butter if you're feeling adventurous) or sesame snaps. FYI sesame snaps are NOT healthy. I bought them for Wade, and then on a night of weakness, I ate one and now they're banned in our house because somebody can't control themselves when they're around. And that somebody is me. Because Wade said they were "too sweet" for him. GROW UP WADE. Don't you hate it when somebody says, "Oh that's too sweet for me." Well lah-di-da your tastebuds must be so refined. Aren't you a saint? You guys, I don't know why I feel so aggressive towards Wade about this, but if there was a competition between who could eat the most sweet stuff, I would win. Hands. Down. And I'm going to take that as a compliment to myself.

The spontaneous t-shirt business is fun as shit to run. And when I say run, I mean, I just monitor my website and talk to people on Instagram. It's great. I wish I could do it full time. Daniele Bolelli posted a picture of him in Tuscany wearing the shirt. I lost my shit. And then Cameron Hanes instagrammed a video of him wearing his shirt, while talking to Joe Rogan about it. I screamed when I saw the video, and Wade thought I was dying or something terrible had happened, so then I had to establish that nothing bad had happened, and then he asked why I screamed in that tone because it definitely didn't sound happy, and I said I didn't know but I was just excited and that was the noise that came out, and then he was like well my heart is about to explode so don't do that again and then I was like, CAMERON HANES POSTED A VIDEO ON INSTAGRAM WITH JOE ROGAN TALKING ABOUT MY SHIRT. The whole reveal was very awkward, and in hindsight, the noise that I made was very disturbing. But nothing in life prepares you with how to handle hearing Joe Rogan say, "Shout out to Bonnie...", so I did my best to react in the correct way and failed miserably. But life goes on, as they say.

A post shared by Cameron Hanes (@cameronrhanes) on


I emailed two archery clubs over the weekend. I've been wanting to do archery for a while now, and I've decided that it will be the relaxing hobby I need to get my stress levels down. My main hobby is playing League of Legends. League, if you've never played it before, is 100% the least relaxing thing you could ever do in your life. And I know that sounds like a gross exaggeration, but honestly, that game gives me a little dose of cancer every time I play it. The word "toxic" is thrown around a lot within the LoL community, and for good reason. I'm what you would call, aggressive, when it comes to LoL. Actually, I'm pretty aggressive in general. Not in a meat head sort of way, more like an Italian mafia wife sort of way. I've never been in a fight though, because I'm classy. Although I have always wondered what it would be like. Most likely I'd be that person that ends up fighting some world champion Muay Thai fighter and the whole thing would be a viral YouTube sensation. And that's the thing with street fights, you never know who you're going to be fighting. And I can tell you right now, from somebody who has been submitted countless times by many different people, NEVER underestimate the tiny Asian dude. Because he will fuck you up. Every. Single. Time. In all honesty, just don't underestimate anybody. A good sign though is if they have cauliflower ears. That's the universal sign of, "I know how to kill people." That and face tattoos. "But what if I have face tattoos AND cauliflower ears?" Well then it's a double negative and they equal each other out, which means you don't know how to defend yourself at all. "But that doesn't make se-", shhhhhhhh.

I have officially finished my ancient Egypt design for Prime Podcast Apparel. By the way, I came up with the name Prime Podcast Apparel in about 10 minutes, and it definitely sounds like it took at least an hour to land on. I'm pretty psyched with it. Anyway, my next t-shirt design is for all the ancient Egypt nerds out there that believe in the sphinx water erosion theory. See my blog post from probably 6 months ago that explains that. Or just google 'sphinx water erosion' and you'll find an explanation for it that is much more eloquent and accurate than my own. It was aliens that built the pyramids right? In all seriousness though, if you haven't read anything on ancient Egyptian civilisation, it is extremely fascinating. So basically the position I'm in right now, is that I have 4 slightly different designs, and I can't really decide which one is best. I don't know whether I should just make an executive decision and pick my favourite, or take it to the people, all 6 of you, to decide which one is the winner. Or if I should just go back to the drawing board completely. Personally, I'm terrified about the prospect of putting out the new design regardless of which one it is. There's something about working really hard on a project, and then nobody digging it, that sucks balls. That's how Hitler was created. I don't think I'm as sensitive as Hitler though, so most likely I won't seek revenge via genocide. I'll probably just listen to some Elliott Smith for an hour and then one of the dogs will do something cute and I'll snap out of it. Sesame snap out of it to be specific. What I'm trying to say is that I'll just binge eat my feelings into oblivion.

I hope you're happy now.
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