struggle.

10:19
Do you think you have to go through profound struggle to find out who you really are? I believe adversity enlightens us in a way that allows us to see what we truly value, and gives us the opportunity to evaluate our lives in a more black and white perspective. I think struggle puts you in the position where you're happy to let go of the bullshit, materialistic or superficial things that are in your life. I guess when I broke my neck, that was the most struggle I've had to deal with. And it wasn't even that bad in hindsight. I mean, it sucked because I looked like a freak and I couldn't do a lot of things. But having to walk around like an absolute pleb with this huge fuck off neck brace on sort of pushed my ego away and left me with a more authentic self. It was kind of refreshing. I just had to not care what people thought. And I know everyone says that they don't care what other people think, but honestly, when you have to walk around with a neck brace on, it ups the game BIG time. It also made me an extrovert. I was more social. I spoke with strangers more often. I saw people more. The whole experience was very weird and enjoyable. I also found out what I really valued. I'm still grateful for hot showers. When I had my neck brace on I could only shower twice a week. 5 years on and I still hop into a shower and think, "This is the best thing ever." I guess my question is, do we have to go through struggle to remove the ego and the superficial aspects that we "value"? Or can we achieve that state just through mindful practice? I'm not sure yet.

I've been meditating at night before bed, and I'm seeing a huge difference already. It's weird. Everyone I know who meditates always raves about it. But I guess I just figured that they were bullshitting. I only do 5 - 8 minutes. Sometimes I listen to raindrops. Sometimes I listen to monks saying "om" over and over again. The impact it's had on me is that I wake up feeling much more rested. And I feel calmer. I guess it's weird to notice a difference so early on. I'm used to having to wait at least 2 weeks to start seeing changes whenever I implement something new into my routine. I'm attempting to be more mindful during the day too. And when I say during the day, I mean while I'm driving. And by mindful, I mean swear less. At people. That I want to kill. Basically I have road rage. But since starting meditation I've tried to have compassion for dick head drivers. As you can see, I'm not at the Jedi level yet. But look, yesterday some guy indicated really late when he was turning, and I said to myself, "THIS FUCKING WANKER" and then I interrupted myself out loud, "Bonnie, calm the fuck down." And that's pretty much my life now. Me talking to myself, out loud, frequently.

I bought a harmonica. A mother flipping harmonica, people. I love blues music, and always thought playing the harmonica would be a dope skill to have since you can carry it with you everywhere. Except you don't want to be that person that plays their harmonica everywhere they go. I can't remember where I was, but while I was traveling there was this one dude who would play his harmonica all the damn time. And he was mediocre. And he had shoulder length greasy hair. He just instantly made everyone feel awkward about it. So that won't be me. Well I can't promise I don't have greasy hair sometimes, but that's what dry shampoo is for. I watched a YouTube video on a beginner's guide to the harmonica and then it just escalated very quickly to me researching harmonica brands and now I'm waiting for my Lee Oskar 1910C Major Diatonic Harmonica in the key of C to arrive. By the way, I do this shit all the time. When I was a kid, I learnt violin, piano, guitar, flute and took singing lessons. And I stopped learning all of those things apart from singing. I'm a quitter. I can accept that. I like to try things, and if I'm not naturally good at them, I pretty much just forget about it. Piano and guitar I still like to dabble in every now and then. But maybe the harmonica will be different this time guys. Maybe I've found my musical niche. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I feel like the harmonica is my last resort to ever being musically talented. I've missed the boat for everything else. It's so depressing not being a child anymore. I quietly resent my parents that they didn't put me in Jiu Jitsu when I was 5. Instead I did Taekwondo. But not the cool Joe Rogan style Taekwondo. The watered down version that's taught at the local community centre every Wednesday night. The type of martial arts that gives you a false sense of security. I think Jiu Jitsu is the best way to learn self-defense, especially if you're a woman. If you have to use it in real life, you'll most likely be on your back or on your stomach trying to wrestle some dude off you, which is perfect for BJJ. I literally think about how I would defend myself from a rapist every day of my life. It just comes with being a woman. Anyway, for the most part, if your rapist doesn't know BJJ, you're probably going to win. As long as he can't punch you in the face and knock you out. And if he has a gun or a knife, I guess you just have to weigh up what you'd prefer. I've always thought that I would fight to the death, but who knows. In a real situation, I don't know how I would act. I think in a perfect scenario, I'd just triangle the fuck out of that guy. And then curb stomp his head American History X style. Jesus this paragraph went downhill. How I managed to go from harmonicas to curb stomping I have no idea. But that's the sort of brain I'm dealing with. Hence the whole need for meditation.

I went out last Friday night. I rarely go out. When I lived in the city I went out all the time, but living on the sleepy Peninsula means most of my nights are spent hanging out with my dogs and binge watching Netflix. And by the way, I'm totally cool with that. But sometimes I get cabin fever and need to communicate with people IN PERSON at a location that isn't my living room and I have to wear real clothes. I guess I got accidentally drunk because I don't drink very often but I still drink as if I do. I don't even know if that sentence made sense but I'm keeping it. Anyway, we went to this bar and I drank multiple pints of beer and then we had gin & tonics I think and then we were the last people in the bar and I literally spoke to the bartender for an hour about hip hop and r'n'b music. I always manage to single out one person when I go out, and for the most part, it's either about music, conspiracy theories, podcasts or religion. Those are my talking points that I like to bring up when I first meet someone to get a gauge on them. I find that I can alienate people very quickly that way, and then establish who I know I will get along with and who I have burned my bridge with immediately because they don't know what tower 7 is. Not sure if everyone is as efficient as I am when it comes to meeting new people, but I have a knack for being able to bring up 9/11, why I hate political correctness or the poison that is religion, within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone. I hate small talk (in case you hadn't noticed.) Why talk about your work when you can talk about how the pentagon can't account for $6.5 trillion in taxpayer money going missing from the defense department? That's the real question. I've been told I come across as "full on" but I take that as a compliment. I'm just passionate, guys. I'm fiery. And slightly aggressive. But mostly passionate. I think those are traits of Aries. Blame the universe, I take no responsibility for my personality. Just kidding. I'm pretty sure that's all bullshit, but either way, I spoke to this bartender because they were playing some really good music (think TLC, A Tribe Called Quest, Future, etc). It was dope. And the guy was from New Zealand, and he was totally vibing on the music as much as I was, so I was like "Oh this guy will want to talk about hip hop." And I was right. Because EVERY person I've ever met from New Zealand has a deep, profound love for hip hop music. And majority of them are very musically talented as well. I don't know why, but honestly I've met so many people from New Zealand that live into this stereotype that I feel like my own research is conclusive on this. Like the data is in, and I'm correct on all accounts. New Zealanders are cool as fuck. So yeah, I recommended the bartender watch the Netflix doco on Stretch & Bobbito, which is a MUST see if you're into 90's rap. I'm pretty sure I already blogged about it so I'm not going to go on, but yeah here's a little taste of what you'll expect to see/hear when you watch it.

I've got samples of my ancient Egypt design coming in for Prime Podcast Apparel. They should arrive next week so hopefully I'll have some new gear up on the website soon! Here's a little sneak peek of it in case you haven't seen it on my Instagram stories yet.




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