basically magicians.

I accidentally ordered 5kg of apples last week. Usually I'd order 5 apples, but instead I clicked 1kg bags instead because I'm fucking retarded, and now we have 5kg of apples lying around the house. Wade will NOT let it go. "What are we going to do with all these apples!?" He's acting like it's some kind of apple plague that has fallen upon our household. "It's an apple epidemic!" I've just been hearing apple jokes for the past week. Kill me. Please.

I've always had this thing where I don't think I'm good enough. I'm not special and please don't comment after this being like, "But you're SO amazing!" because that's not what I'm after here. Everyone has their thing. We all create some story that we like to attach to our life and who we think we are, and then we carry that with us until we either realise and can acknowledge it, or we carry it with us without realising. I always wished that I was really good at something. Like I was never the best at anything. And because I was never really the best at anything, I was never passionate enough to pursue it. Which I know is counter-intuitive because you don't really get to be the best at something unless you relentlessly pursue it (obviously genetics or a natural talent has an impact too). I was never as smart as I wish I could've been. I always tried really hard to be smart. And I'm not saying that I'm not smart. I know I'm smart. But I don't feel like I'll ever be as smart as I wish I could be. It's funny too because even when I did get some sort of acknowledgement for my work, or for my efforts, I would think, "They don't realise that I'm not really that smart." When I look at my final score that I got after finishing school, I think, "That's a fake number." I really think I only got that number because I'm really good at memorising essays. Like, when I went into my exams, I basically had a rough structure for every essay I was going to write, and made it so that whatever the exam question or topic would be, I would be able to manipulate my memorised essay to fit. I mean obviously I worked really hard at getting to that point, and yes I think there is some merit in the actual study process, but for the most part, exams aren't an accurate way to determine the intelligence of someone. It works for some people. But when you look at the basic idea of what an exam is, it's fucking stupid. "Here we're going to teach you a bunch of things throughout the year, and then at the VERY end, you have to sit for 3 hours and write about all the stuff you learnt." What kind of learning is that? It's fake learning. But people still look at that number and are impressed. When I went for the job I'm in now my boss was like, "Did you cheat or what?" No, I just can remember literary quotes and know how to use fancy words like "plethora". Plethora was the word everyone used in 2009 by the way. My point is this: I have defined myself as not being very smart for most of my life. Probably since I was 7 years old. And even when I have been recognized as smart, I still don't get any satisfaction or validation out of it. And I think this is the crux of not only my situation, but most human beings: we define ourselves by one statement, and no matter how hard we try, we'll never find our resolve... And it's FUCKED. Life is hard. No matter how "privileged" your life is, we all deal with the same insecurities. I don't even know where I'm going with this. I don't have any advice on getting past it, because I've been dealing with mine for 17 years. But I guess take solace in knowing that no matter how hard you try, you'll never be satisfied in life.

By the way, I know that's terrible advice. But it's sort of true... right? Are we ever truly satisfied? Like wholly and completely? Down to your fucking bones satisfied? I don't know if we are. You can be mostly satisfied. But I think humans are engineered to constantly pursue progression and growth. I don't think I'd ever get to a point and be like, "Yeah this is cool, I'm just gonna stay like this for the rest of my life." Which would be nice. But then again I like learning and expanding my knowledge on things that interest me, so it's not really something I'd want after all I guess. Until life turns into the matrix and we can just upload everything directly into our brains. THEN I could see myself being completely satisfied. Imagine if our brains could only hold like 30GB of data though. So we'd always have to be going through shit and deciding whether or not we really want that memory of when we were 5 and walked down into our parent's bedroom and found a fucking DUCK just randomly walking around in there and got so terrified that we ran back upstairs crying and screaming that there's a duck in the house... Despite how traumatic that event was for me, I've never been afraid of ducks. Geese on the other hand are the devil. And I have been chased by them. I think I even got bitten by one once. I can't really remember. Either way, I can definitely think of some things that I'd be absolutely happy to remove from my brain that's just a waste of space. Like Wade's apple abundance jokes. And the hours I've spent reading about the flat earth theory. And every second I had to spend in Mr Sykes' maths class. And that one time when I got hand, foot and mouth disease. I'd be happy to lose that memory. Because that was fucking bullshit. And all the times I've had the imaginary conversation with myself about how to explain to someone the difference between the words 'brought' and 'bought'*, and then eventually deciding that it's too condescending so I'll just leave it and let them continue to use the words incorrectly. Imagine if we could transfer files to each other via our brains. And some people could hack brains, and send viruses. You know those banner ads that pop up all the time that are like, "This one pill will make you lose 30 kilos!" And instead it's just someone that's been hacked, and every conversation they have with a person ultimately leads to them saying, "Hey have you heard about this miracle pill?" And then everyone's like, "Oh Jesus this bitch has been hacked." And then you have to go to a clinic that's solely for people getting viruses removed from their brains. These are just some of the things I think about on a DAILY basis.

Here's another stoner thought for you. SEALS DON'T DRINK WATER. Think about it. Seals live in salt water. So how do they drink water? They don't. Dude, I literally pondered this for like 30 minutes before I brought it up with Wade and was like, "Is this a stupid thought?" And then he was like, "Holy shit you're right they don't drink water." Man it is so satisfying when you think of something ridiculous, and then consult another person on it who also thinks that shit is just as cray. Turns out they get water from their food and can actually produce it from the metabolic breakdown of their food. So they're basically magicians. Or Jesus.

Wade and I were talking about how a lot of Bernie Sanders supporters have turned on him, because of how he's endorsing Hillary. Which I totally understand, because Hillary is like the complete opposite of what Bernie represented and stood for. But I also see it from Bernie's perspective that not endorsing her would mean less influence he could have on the system, so he'd rather at least be involved than not at all. And then Wade said that what he should've done after the wikileaks files were released about how the DNC colluded against him, is to have made a speech pointing out the corruption in the government, and how this is exactly what he's fighting against and that nobody can be trusted and to call a revolution from the American people to stand up against Washington and revolt. Which would've been fucking badass. Like if he did that, that would've been one of the coolest mic drop moments in the history of the world. And then I thought, that'd be an awesome book. Which would then inevitably turn into a movie. I just can't decide if the book is a comedy or a political-thriller. I'm leaning towards comedy. Like sort of Shaun of the Dead style humour. Anyway, I want to write that book. But it involves so much political language that I think I'd need someone to help me write it who knows all the political lingo. Or I just need to watch a fuck load of House of Cards and The West Wing. Anyway, that's my idea. I also still want to write a children's book. But I think I'd need to write it under a pseudonym because I've said stuff in this blog about how much I dislike children and I don't think that'd help publicity wise.

I resent the education system, because I don't think it properly prepares young people for the real world. I know I've harped on about this before but the fact that we didn't have one class on learning about real estate, or how to invest, what stocks are, how credit cards work, the process of buying a house, how to save money... I can't believe that there is no "How To: Life" subject. And yes, most 17 - 18 year olds won't care. But there will be a few that listen. And isn't that the point of school? Teaching kids things that are important (sort of), even if they don't care. But instead we learn how to write essays. You know what I haven't done ONCE since getting a real job? Write an essay.

So my hair is at official Birth of Venus length now. It's the longest it's ever been in my life. And it's annoying as shit. It gets stuck in my pants. I sit on it. It gets caught in things. My cat tries to eat it or swing from it. Literally the other day he jumped off the bed and grabbed my plait like a vine as if he was fucking Tarzan. Seriously this cat is insane.

She's way too big for that clam shell by the way.

P.s. I just thought of another memory I'd be happy to delete from my brain. When Wade told me that the movie Punisher was actually good. And then we watched it. And then he showed me his Punisher t-shirt...

*The difference between the words 'bought' and 'brought':
1. simple past tense and past participle of buy.
verb (used with object), bought, buying.
1. to acquire the possession of, or the right to, by paying or promising to pay an equivalent, especially in money; purchase.
1. simple past tense and past participle of bring.
verb (used with object), brought, bringing.
1. to carry, convey, conduct, or cause (someone or something) to come with, to, or toward the speaker: He brought his brother to my office.

1 comment:

  1. I fully empathize with your feelings of not being good enough, interestingly I have had that same issue for all my life, until a recent experience changed that perception. My life (as is most people's) is dealing with external issues (I can't even begin with the internal ones!) and challenges, as I manage my way through life I always have this feeling that people will find out that I actually don't know shit. That I was just lucky to come to the right answer for this particular situation. I feel that I am waiting for people to uncover the truth about me and my life will be ruined.

    Recently I had the privilege to be travelling with my son, who said "I was the man he most admired and respected", he knows what I had to deal with as a child, what I had to overcome in my life and the man I am today is not one full of bitterness or anger and resentment as a result of what life dealt me. He pointed out that he has learned from my example that he can do anything, that there is nothing he can't overcome, why, because he has seen me overcome many hurdles through sheer hard work. I am not smart, not good looking, I don't have any natural advantages, but I share my love of life with my family, I try everyday to do the best, I fail many times but keep going.

    I will never be great at anything, the only thing I can do is to try to be the best person I can be, to be there when someone needs me, to offer what little I have, to share love as best I can and most of all try to remember that I am only human and that I will always need to struggle to become a better person to those that are important to me.

    Love and peace Bonnie.



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