you know what's embarrassing?

I wonder how many rappers have actually killed people. The amount of rap songs that are about dudes killing other dudes makes me think that a lot of them haven't. It's one of those things where they talk about it a little too much. It's like when you lie, and you create this elaborate story to cover your tracks, but then you actually make things worse because you're putting in detail that no one would ever make the effort to acknowledge in a normal storytelling scenario. Also, the amount of people singing about killing people are really making the police force look terrible. And fuck being a police officer by the way. What a horrible job that would be. The other night I was driving on the freeway, it was about 1am, and there was a cop car lurking in the shadows and strategically hidden by some bushes. First of all, the fuck is a cop car doing catching people speeding on a freeway at one in the morning? There were literally 7 cars on the road. With 4 lanes. The car to road ratio was out of control. SURELY that guy could be like, oh I don't know, patrolling the streets of Collingwood and making sure people don't get raped. What a fucking waste of money and resources. I didn't get pulled over or anything, but it's the principal of the matter. I know it's not the dude's fault. Which is why it would suck to be a cop. Because I'm sure they get asked to do retarded shit like "hey we need you to make 50 speeding fines today" and they don't have much say in the matter. I wonder if they feel conflicted by it at all? Either way, that job must suck.

I read the other day that $619 billion in federal grants and loans given out in 2012 have gone unaccounted for in the US. Just a casual $619 BILLION. Ho-ly shit. How does that even happen? This is coming from the US Government Accountability Office as well. Those dudes are legit. It seems so ridiculous. Like, how can that money just go unaccounted for? I love how they use the word "unaccounted" as well. Let's be honest here people. The use for all that money went intentionally undocumented. And we'll never know where it went. And that'll be the end of it. No one will be rioting in the streets. No one will be posting on instagram a picture of a dude shrugging his shoulders being like 'hey US Government, where's all that money?'. Instead they'll be putting up pictures of Beyonce and Jay-Z. I don't know. At the end of the day it just seems like we're getting royally screwed over and over again and as long as we've got the fucking Bachelor on TV everything's sweet. Side note - I can't believe that show is even on TV. And prime time TV for that matter. Sweet baby jesus our society is fucked up.

The other day I was in the supermarket and simultaneously listening to the Joe Rogan podcast because I prefer to be completely removed from the mundane reality of grocery shopping by escaping into the realm that is the podcast world, than to have to deal with people blocking aisles and not moving when you say "excuse me" 700 times. What is with that? When you say "excuse me" I'm pretty sure there's a universal agreement that you get the hell out of the way when you hear that. Man. Sometimes I just want to unleash in that hell hole and start smashing cans of baked beans everywhere when shit like that happens. And hurl those huge buckets of hummus. And start throwing custard apples. Okay, back to my story. So I was listening to the podcast and it was Rogan and Bert Kreischer. I find Bert Kreischer fucking hilarious. Like, he is retarded funny. And I just burst out laughing like a complete crazy person, while I'm placing individual dates into a plastic bag. I couldn't help it. Once I start laughing I cannot stifle said laughter. So I'm cackling with my dates, and this guy standing near me just starts looking at me and giving me the weirdest stares. And then I kind of realised where I was and thought, 'oh shit, I look like a complete psycho who enjoys dates way too much'. On the upside though, the dates are delicious, and every time I eat one I think about Bert Kreischer. In a non-seedy way.

You know what I find outrageously ironic? When people say "I'm a writer" and then they send you a piece they've written, and it's just riddled with grammatical errors. Like spaces between punctuation, inappropriate use of multiple periods (.......) and consistent confusion between the use of the word 'you're' and 'your'. SURELY you'd just do the ol' spell check before sending something off like that? I feel like it's almost an insult. As if they're expecting you to just edit everything. It's not like it's hard. Remember in the old days where you didn't have spell check and you had to know how to spell shit? Back in my day... Just kidding. But yeah, I'm glad that my mum was such a stickler for grammar and spelling. My dad could give zero fucks about the English language. He literally makes up words. And every time he does, I see my mum die a little bit inside. It's a thing they share together. A sacred bond some would even say. Not really. Mum's just a grammar nazi and her tyrannical tendencies to reign in on any mispronunciation of words or use of the wrong tense or confusion of an adjectival label with a possessive has benefited me (and at times filled me with rage) immensely. Dad on the other hand has taught me that if you are confident enough and really believe what you're saying, you can make up as many words as you like and people will just go with it. It's pretty stupendible.

I'm slowly but surely getting better at my submissions in jiu jitsu. I'm no longer feeling like I am just some squid rolling around on the ground getting smashed and choked out every two seconds. Believe it or not, I have properly submitted three people with a triangle choke. I've submitted people before, but for the most part they give up the position to see if I'll take the opportunity and follow through with a submission. When I say properly, I mean that they didn't give me the position or the opportunity, they 100% were trying to avoid getting into a compromised position. Jiu jitsu is funny too because you don't really celebrate your wins. It's like this code in the gym. You just tap someone or they tap you, and then you go back to the start like nothing happened. Unless you're like 'holy fuck what did you just do to me?'. A phrase I throw around a fair bit. But yeah, nobody is like 'YEAH SUCK IT' when they tap you. For obvious reasons. So I triangled this dude and in my head was like 'HO-LY SHIT. IT'S HAPPENED' but on the outside I had to be cool as a cucumber and just pretend that it was no big deal. It's good in a way because it keeps your ego in check. No one struts around the gym acting like they can just wreck you. But yeah, I was bouncing around all night after that. It's sort of sick in a way I guess. This weird enjoyment people get out of inflicting discomfort on others. And by people I mean me. Because let's be honest here, when you can put someone into a position they can't get out of, and the only options they have are to pass out or tap, it makes you feel pretty good. And then when you're on the receiving end of it all the time, it's humbling to know that life is fragile and shit can happen with one swift pull of the arm and throw of the leg. Plus you can never judge anyone on their abilities to defend themselves by the way they look. That's a massive thing I've realised. Like tiny asian dudes. They will fuck you up. BIG time. I don't really know where I'm going with this story - but I've decided to do a grappling comp on Saturday. I will finally be able to roll with girls. I'm really nervous about it. I'm super competitive, and I also have a massive fear of failure. Plus because I haven't rolled with chicks before, I don't know what to expect, at all. I'm used to rolling with guys that are either bigger and stronger than me, or the same size but technically better. So I'm hoping that I'll be able to roll with girls that are the same size AND at the same skill level as me. Just to be on a complete even playing field. Anyway, it makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. Let's move on shall we?

I took the auto-correct setting off of my phone a couple week's ago. My god. What a game changer that has been. No more 'duck' and 'ducking'. Thank duck. That shit was getting old, really fast. I much prefer it. Then I can be responsible for my own spelling mistakes. Take accountability for that shit. Not really. I just was getting so enraged by my iPhone thinking it knew better than I did. The nerve of that phone. I am a HUMAN BEING for god's sake. A HUMAN BEING! What's that from? I'm pretty sure that's a line in The Simpsons. Yep it is. When Homer becomes Max Power. "I'm a human being, let me have my dignity back!" And then they put it in that TV show Police Cops. Haha. Police Cops. Fucking genius. What was I talking about?

I wonder if Ginuwine thought when he made the song 'Pony' that he was making one of the greatest songs of all time. Like, when he was writing, 'if you're horny, let's do it, ride it, my pony', I wonder if he was thinking, "This is gonna be big." Surely not? That must've been a pleasant surprise after releasing that song. He was probably like, "these idiots, it's just a song about slinging dick!". Classic Ginuwine. You know what I've come to realise of late? How many R'n'B songs there are about guys going down on girls. First of all, I realised this in quite a weird fashion. Because I have a playlist on spotify that I compile sensual R'n'B songs in to. And then all of a sudden I realised that I had about 5 songs in a row that were about the same subject matter... Also the name of this playlist is called Baby Makin'. Awkward. Secondly, a guy singing about going down on a girl is actually hilarious. But only when you really concentrate on the lyrics. If you don't notice the lyrics, it just sounds like any other R'n'B song. But how wrong I was. Let's just say the words "taser tongue" were used. And my innocence was lost. Just kidding. My innocence was lost long ago. But how hilarious to think a grown man, writing a song, actually thought to put down the words taser tongue in a sentence. Can you imagine if girls started singing songs about giving dudes blow jobs? Nobody would listen to that. NOBODY. But for some reason a black guy singing about being awesome at oral sex can just pull that shit off like no one else can. If someone said to me, 'hey Bonnie, we need you to write a song about oral sex' I would actually not even know where to start. It's obviously a fine art. I wonder if there's a guy that just specialises in that. Like the stoner sound effect dude.

I sort of want to get choked unconscious in jiu jitsu. It's more so the curiosity of seeing how long it would take for me to black out. I feel like if I'm dishing out these submissions, I should know what it's like. But then I don't know if it's really a respectable thing to do. Like to ask someone to do it to you. Probably not. I guess it'd just be interesting. And kind of scary. I don't even know if I could mentally let myself go unconscious. Like if I'd just start flailing my limbs around and panic to all hell. Most likely. I think I'll eventually try it. Maybe in the new BJJ gym in my house. Oh what was that? Yeah, you read correctly. There are now 9 brand spankin' new grappling mats living in my garage. It is awesome. It's called the Chamber of Justice and all matters are dealt in there by a roll to the death. Or to whoever taps first. It's sick. My housemate and I just go to town in there. It's so much fun. Tonight we youtubed a bunch of Kurt Osiander videos and just drilled them. Well, we did a work out before hand so we were tired when we had to roll. But yeah, I learnt some cool techniques that I'm hoping I'll be able to pull of on Saturday. Most likely I'll forget EVERYTHING I know and just end up rolling around for 5 minutes like a complete squid. But got to keep positive, right?

Chamber of Justice. WHAT WHAT!
I made a facebook status the other day about how it annoys me when girls call me "babe" and junk. And then a bunch of people lost their shit over it. Obviously I was not clear enough. But my rant was related to random strangers, and in particular, random strangers that serve me coffee. Firstly, I'm getting coffee from you. So I kind of don't want to deal with your hipster-style service along with being condescendingly called pet names. Secondly, I JUST told you my name. You asked me what my name was so you could write it on the coffee cup. Why wouldn't you just say, "thanks Bonnie"? Am I not the only one that finds this weird? Then my Mum was like, "but I call you babe all the time!". God damn it mother. Of course you can call me babe. You can call me whatever you want. You gave birth to me. I'm pretty sure passing a bowling ball through your hoo-ha trumps everything. If I were a parent I would pull that card ALL the time. I can just imagine my kid being like, "mum don't call me that, it's embarrassing!". And then I'd just be like, "oh it's embarrassing? You know what's really embarrassing? Being covered in YOUR poop." I'd say it in front of his friends too, because I'd be one of those mums that just makes everyone uncomfortable all the time. Basically what I'm saying is I should never have children.

I started watching Game of Thrones. Reluctantly. I knew I would fucking love it. God damn it. I'm so emotionally invested in the characters. I'm up to season 3, so nobody tell me shit or I will actually hunt you down and strangle you. But can we ALL agree that Joffrey is the WORST human being that ever existed. The hate I have for him is ridiculous. It actually makes me sweaty thinking about how much I want to just roundhouse kick him in his stupid face. And yes, I am aware that he is a fictional character. But that does not take away the purity of my hatred. Anyway, I think I'm going to go watch another episode now. As my reward for writing. OR I could just shove a ball into my shoulder and roll out to help with my mobility. But let's not beat around the bush here. Game of Thrones is WAY better than most things in life. I hate this type of person I've become. I feel so... dirty. But I can't escape the vice-like grip the show has on me. Its unpredictable plot twists and blatant disregard to keep any decent characters alive has me hooked and wanting more like a junkie looking for their next fix. I'm jonesin for it.... Mother of god. What have I become?

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