FUCKING RELAX.

Sometimes I get really confused at the fact that we just naturally breathe. I feel like I shouldn't be the only person that is in awe around this phenomenon. Like we don't even have to think about it. Well for the most part anyway. Unless I'm really concentrating hard and I forget to breathe. That happens. But mostly because I'm holding my breath because somehow it feels like it helps. Like when you're trying to balance. I've started practicing handstands again because my shoulder is feeling a lot better. But yeah, I never breathe when I do handstands. Surely that makes things worse. Like cutting off oxygen to your brain can't be great. But that also makes me feel like a dudd because if I have to stop doing something that my body naturally does without me even thinking about it, then that has to make me kind of retarded.

A couple week's ago we had our grading day at jiu jitsu. It was awful. The guys had told me that grading day was a tough class. And it was. We had to do a butt load of burpees and planks and shit. Fuck burpees in a gi is the worst thing ever. I was absolutely exhausted within the first 10 minutes. And I knew we were going to just straight up roll for the next hour, so in my head I was like, "FUCKING RELAX". Easier said than done really. I managed to not pass out though, and made it through the class. I even got a stripe on my belt! And then I cried :-/ I don't really know why I cried, I was standing in the back of the room and after my name was called and I went up and shook my teacher's hand, I went back against the wall and just started crying. As if it's hard enough being a fucking girl in an MMA gym, trying to be tough and "one of the boys". Weeks of attempting to build a reputation shattered by a moment of raging female hormones taking over my body. God damn it. I hate being a girl sometimes. Anyway, I cried, and then all the guys were confused whether or not to hug me or talk to me or just avoid me like the fucking plague. I don't blame them. I'd be the same. "Who's this crazy bitch crying over getting a stripe on her white belt?" I think I cried because of two things. First off, I was really exhausted. And when I'm exhausted, I'm emotionally vulnerable. Second, I think BJJ has been one of the hardest things I've ever put myself through just because of the barriers that I've had to break through with it. Mentally and physically. Anyway, I don't really want to harp on about it. But yeah. That happened. 
at nemesis mma.
Why is it that the people that seem to be the worst at life, are the most fertile? I mean, naturally our environment should wean out the weak and stupid. But because we live in a world where stupidity is glamourized, I feel like there's a lot of dumb people breeding right now. And I'm concerned. I kind of have mixed feelings towards the next generations that are coming into this world. On one hand, we have the progressive thinking, alternative media seeking, uprising do-gooders that are really taking a stand for the things they're passionate about. And that's great. I love those people. We need more of them. But then there are these other people that are just fucking dummies. And I'm not a snob at all, but I'm just wondering when people will realise that actors are just normal people and their lives really aren't any more important than the dude sitting next to you at the airport. I'm using the airport analogy because I was just at the airport yesterday. Anyway, all I'm saying is, with the progress and the direction that this world is heading in, soon we will be able to monitor everyone's lives. With oculus rift and google glass, I have this feeling that the world is going to be a very weird place. Soon people will prefer to spend their time in their alternate reality life, and other people will be able to watch this person live their alternate reality life through their own alternate reality. It'll be reality TV, of an alternate reality. If that isn't inception I don't know what the fuck is. I read an article about an application you can use with google glass so you can telekinetically take pictures with your thoughts, and upload them onto facebook. WHAT. We literally are living in the fucking craziest time ever. Forget the middle ages and chastity belts. This shit is out of control. The worst part is, I have no idea how any of this crap works. Like if technology just imploded and we had to start all over again, I would be like, okay guys I'm just gonna be over here trying to start a fire and eating dirt. Actually it's worse because I have no idea how technology works AND I also have no idea how to live in the wilderness. I am what you would call, fucking useless. Am I one of those people that should be weaned? God damn it. I just totally made my argument invalid. 

I really hate political correctness. Mostly because I find that it makes no sense at all. And also because there is no consistency with any of it. Like people preach about diversity, but then when it really comes down to it, they're not diverse at all. God forbid you make a joke about muslims. But shit all over born again christians ALL DAY. Or make fun of the fat drug addict politician, but can you imagine if a woman was in that position? Like things are hilarious when they happen to men, but if a woman was in the same position, it wouldn't be funny at all. It would be sad and horrible. And if someone made a joke about it, it'd be sexist. But if a woman makes a sexist joke about a man, it just slides. I think that’s probably to do with the fact that most men give zero fucks about “sexist” comments, and then crazy feminist women are just ready to throw down over the most insignificant comment. Oh, and everything needs to have a trigger warning. And men and women are equal. But not really. Like how fucking confusing. I seriously can't keep up with any of it. And then this whole idea of taking things out of context and turning them around into something completely different to what the original intent was. Sometimes I just hate people. Can everyone just relax for a second? Please. End rant.

Does anyone else find singing happy birthday really fucking weird? I was having this moment the other day, where we were all singing happy birthday, and I was like, this is the stupidest thing ever. Nobody wants to sing happy birthday. Everyone does it half-assed, and you can see in their eyes that all they're thinking is "why am I singing this song?" I feel like everyone should just be honest and decide on a general consensus to never sing that song after a certain age. And instead, everyone can just be like "hey dude happy birthday, you're a fucking rad guy and you really deserve the best in life". Instead of singing some generic, creepy song. There's nothing special about that song. Every single person in the entire world hears that song on their birthday. Your birthday is supposed to be a special and unique day for you and you only. Surely it makes more sense to just say something really personal and nice to a person. Or even better, make up your own song for that person. If someone sang me their own version of happy birthday, I'd be like, you're really weird, but that was special and I know no one else will ever have that song sung to them, so thank you. 

Do you think there's a sound effect guy that all the rappers go to to get the noise of lighting a joint? Like how many different ways can you make the sound of someone smoking a blunt or using a bong? Yet in every fucking rap song I listen to, there's always that sound effect. Dude probably makes baller money getting blazed and recording it, then just sending it off to rappers like "hey man got this new sound you might like". Except they all sound the fucking same. But because they're all stoners they're like, "heck yes that sounds awesome". Oh wait, rappers don't say heck yes. I don't know. I don't really want to do an impersonation of a rapper. It'll be politically incorrect and then everyone will be like "you hate black people!" Except I didn't say all rappers are black, YOU did.

I just spent the last 4 days in Queenstown. If you’ve never been to Queenstown, basically it’s like living in a postcard. You are surrounded by snow-capped mountains, and it is just offensively beautiful. Also, the people that live there are the nicest people in the world. I was getting driven by a taxi driver the other day and we were just having a great ol’ chat. Then half way through driving me he was like, “oh shit, where am I taking you? I’ve been driving home!” At the time it was funny, but now that I look back on it, it sounds really creepy. Anyway, it’s just a really relaxed vibe. Except New Zealand TV commercials are fucking crazy. Because I don’t watch TV (I literally don’t even know how to get normal broadcast on my TV at home), I always forget how mind numbing it is. And how retarded commercials are. There was a commercial with two little kids, and one was saying how he had open heart surgery, and it all started because he had a sore throat. And then the voice over was like, “if your child has a sore throat, call this hotline”. So yeah, pretty sure that commercial is now just going to ensue mass hysteria around kids getting sore throats (in WINTER) because every parent is going to think that their child has some serious heart condition. Like it’s not already enough of an issue with kids being sheltered, or put on medication because they have “too much energy”… and now if they get a sore throat they may need open heart surgery. What. The actual. Fuck. I remember when I was a kid my parents would let us run around in the wilderness, fucking climbing in trees, playing in mud, catching snakes and eating bugs. I hated wearing underwear and shoes. I had sticky fingers. You know, normal kid stuff. And look how I turned out! A single, 20-something crazy blog lady who still likes to climb trees, play in mud, eat bugs on occasion and well, I don't mind wearing underwear now, but pants can go fuck themselves. Alright well I know I’m not normal, but really, if I were a parent (which I don’t want to be) then I would let my kid be a fucking wild child. Hence why I don’t want to be a parent. Because that shit must be tough. Kids are great for a couple of hours, but when you know you can give them back, it’s the best feeling in the world. People say that you don’t know real love until you have your own child, but the feeling of being able to give back a fucking crazy kid after playing hide and seek with them for 2 hours must be pretty close.

Just the usual scenery in Queenstown.
I wasn’t finished talking about commercials. There was another ad with this 1950’s looking housewife talking about zip lock bags. It was so weird. I felt offended by it. Like do people really think we’re that stupid to fall for something like that? Also, since when are zip lock bags needing some television air time? Aren’t those things like a staple item in everybody’s kitchen? Surely the zip lock bag industry is doing pretty good. The radio is just as bad with their obnoxious commercials. I never listen to the radio, but we had it on in the car while we were driving around town and one of the ads literally just said “$1 BREAD! $1 BREAD! $1 BREAD!” like sixteen times. My ears were bleeding by the end. If anything it made me want to go to that fucking supermarket and just start spitting on all their $1 bread. “This is what I think of your outrageously good prices and terrible radio advertising!”

So yeah, apart from the horrible commercials, Queenstown has it going on. Yesterday it actually snowed. Like I looked out my window, and snow was fucking falling from the sky. I can’t remember the last time that happened to me. Then we drove up to this mountain, and Kristyna and I played in the snow. We were epically under dressed. I had converse shoes on and like 7 layers of clothing. She was wearing those Nike wedges and mittens. We looked ridiculous. But there’s something about spontaneously playing in the snow that makes you feel like you’re 6 years old again. I literally just jumped in a pile of snow. I was like, I know that my toes are probably going to get frost bite, but FUCK IT! My toes did freeze. But it was worth it. NO REGRETS!




So my quads look fucking huge.
I literally haven't squatted for 6 months. Fuck. My life.
Converse shoes, not ideal for the weather. #noob
Just playing in the snow.
When is apple going to stop auto-correcting fuck and fucking to duck and ducking. Surely after so many software updates, they’d be like, alright let’s stop kidding ourselves here, we know that nobody ever means ‘duck’ or ‘ducking’ when they write that word. Honestly, what is the reasoning behind that? I swear it goes back to that fucking political correctness and censorship bullshit. We have to pretend that we don’t swear or have sex or freaking poop. I think that’s the thing I hate so much about politicians. It’s like they all pretend that they aren’t human. And then it’s fucking worldwide news when someone overhears somebody say the word ‘shit’ at a conference. It’s like, do we honestly have nothing else to talk about here? The other day I saw the Today show had posted a picture of Heath Ledger and Joseph Gordon Levitt with their faces morphed side by side, and it said ‘do these two look the same?’ And that was their facebook status. And people were sharing it, commenting on it and liking the shit out of it. So much so that it showed up in my fucking news feed. Hey facebook algorithm, you can go suck it because I don’t want to see that content. Get it together. When I see stuff like that, it kind of makes me want to rip my face off in frustration of the state of the world. Because really, is there NOTHING else going on in the world that could be more “news worthy”. What a joke. What does “news” even mean anymore? They shouldn’t be allowed to use that word. Or real news should be called something else. I tell you what else is a joke, that boxing movie with Sylvester Stallone and Robert De Niro. A person sitting across from me on the plane was watching it on the way home. Grudge Match I think it’s called. Holy balls was that movie terrible. Like, so fucking awful. The dudes are in their 70s and they’re doing a professional boxing match. None of those words in that last sentence should ever be put together. None.

WHO CARES?
I feel like I need to end this post on a high. This is Tom Segura talking about how he overdosed on drugs one time. No pun intended. It is absolutely hilarious. And if you don't think it's funny, then we can't be friends anymore. There I go again turning everything into a negative. Dang it. I tried to end it positively. I really did.


"What did you take?"
"Heroin... JK."
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