suck it.


I ate kangaroo for breakfast today at work. Apparently that’s a big deal. I had about seven people ask me “did you have kangaroo for breakfast?”

Yes, yes I did. For one thing, I did squats this morning. And you know what goes excellent with squats? Protein. Of the animal kind. Secondly, I’m pretty sure I have an iron deficiency due to my consistently eggplant coloured legs and banged up collar bones. Basically I look like I’ve fallen down a flight of stairs. Anyway, kangaroo is ridiculously high in iron, so that means less bruising for me. Also, it is delicious. Check and mate.

I just got back from the CrossFit Regionals in Wollongong. There was an outrageous number of crossfitters there. Massive quads and poor shoulder mobility central.  There’s something comforting in being surrounded by a mass amount of people that all share the same passion as you do. Comforting and kind of culty. But in a good way. The level of athleticism was insane. Lindsay came 13th in the women’s individual, which was out of control good. She smashed it. I was so nervous for her the whole weekend. Before her heats I’d start sweating and need to do nervous pees. I’m a classic nervous pee-er. That’s not a word. But it is now. Suck it Mrs Barber. She was my advanced English teacher in year 10 who I’m pretty sure thought I shouldn’t have been in advanced English. Well look at me now! But seriously, I find it really hard to explain to people what I do for a living without laughing. It’s pretty difficult to say, “I’m a blogger” with a straight face. Is that even real? Blogger isn’t even a word on spell check. Maybe I’m just hip and new age. Not really. Hip and new age people don’t say that. I may or may not have created a meme last week with Jordan for work though.

We did. And it was awesome. But apart from meme making, I’m a serious writer.

I’m sorry, I just can’t. I try to convince Rob that my job is demanding, and it is. But it’s also stupidly fun and I get to sit on a bouncy ball all day and go to crossfit at lunch. I feel like I shouldn’t be complaining about things, but I’m going to anyway.

the crew at Regionals.
Complaint number one. Whilst driving, you create a gap in traffic to allow a fellow driver into your lane because you are a courteous and selfless person. And then the fucker doesn’t wave. Holy shit that makes me lose my mind. Driving already is a stressful enough event as is. You’re literally in control of a death machine that could potentially kill as many people as you want. Then, you have to manoeuvre said death machine around other death machines, that are driven by people of all skill levels, just to reach your destination without getting hit. If you were trying to explain the concept of driving to someone outside of earth, they’d think you were freaking insane. My point is, when good things happen on the road, it’s nice and makes you feel like things are kind of okay. When I make an effort to allow someone into my lane, I expect a wave to know that it hasn’t gone unnoticed. But for the last few weeks, every time I’ve let someone in, they just act like nothing has happened. Like that gap in traffic mysteriously opened up for them. Well it freaking didn’t. I slowed down and made a conscious effort in my driving to allow you in, you fuck. Jesus. Sometimes I lose faith in humanity and majority of the time it’s when I’m driving. In conclusion, I hate everybody.

I also hate Monsanto. My faith in humanity was slightly restored by seeing all those countries protest against them, and how Hungary burned all their GMO crops. Hungary is badass. Can you imagine if people did that in the States? They’d be sentenced for 20 years in jail. Along with all the marijuana dealers. I feel like I’m slowly descending into some sort of rampage against the corruption of the government. Oh well. Anyway, just so you’re aware, cannabis is in the ‘Schedule I’ classification of the DEA drug schedules. Basically the schedules rank the drugs from most harmful to least in a series of 5 different schedules. Cannabis is in the number one schedule alongside heroin. HEROIN. Are you serious? How dumb do they think people are? They spend $10 billion US dollars a year on enforcing that one law. The US has some serious priority issues. Also, I was just told that Monsanto is in Australia. Which now means Australia is as bad as the US. FUCK. They’ve been growing genetically engineered cotton and canola. I wonder what the people are like who work for that company? I just went on their website. What a load of bullshit. How awkward for them that there was an international march against their company. I don’t like having one person not like me let a lone the whole world. One day people are going to look back on this era and be like “what were we doing?”. GMO crops, gay marriage being illegal, Justin Bieber. It’s all going to seem ridiculous.

I was in my car at a red light and was watching this dude devour a sandwich by the side of the road. After he finished, he just dropped the wrapper on the ground and walked off. DAFUQ!! I can’t remember the last time I saw someone litter. It’s depressing. And totally unexpected. I was outraged. I wanted to yell at him from my car but he looked kind of scary so I decided to just sit outraged in silence. Isn’t that a weird notion that men are the number one threat to women? Whereas women, aren’t really the number one threat to men. Men are the number one threat to men. But yet men are also our number one companions (traditionally anyway). I find that odd. My desire to learn a type of fighting style is slowly becoming less inspiring due to the fact that Rob crushed my dreams by telling me that in the end a guy is going to be able to overpower me no matter what. That’s another weird thing we do. I just walk around totally defenceless and I’m okay with that. We’re so weird. Human beings are weird.

I’ve been crossfitting like a demon lately. I don’t understand that term “like a demon” but I’m going to use it because I like the way it sounds. I got Olympic lifting shoes, they’re pretty fancy. They’re awesome. I’m so much more upright in my lifts. I’m also loving handstand holds and walks at the moment. I kind of want to do that all day of my life. But my shoulder has been sore so when I do it I secretly think I shouldn’t because of my shoulder, but then I do it anyway because I’m an idiot. The problem with doing a lot of training is that all these weaknesses come up that you normally wouldn’t really notice if you were just doing an average amount at the gym. But because I’m in twice a day some days, things start feeling crap. Like my shoulder. And my back. And my quads. On the upside, I’ve hit new PB’s for all of my lifts. Booyah. Now I just need to do a muscle up. Just kidding. That’s going to probably take me months. Luckily for me, I haven’t really got anything else to do with my time. Is that depressing? I want a dog. If I had a dog I wouldn’t have time to spare. Because I’d be spending it all rubbing its belly and giving it cuddles and pats.

new shoes!
I’ve decided I need to budget. I’m not very good at that. For some reason I have this desire to buy everything ever from lululemon. Then I wonder where all my money is and remember that I spent it on brightly coloured hot pants. Totally worth it. See there’s my problem right there. Sometimes I hide my new purchases from Rob and won’t wear them for a couple of weeks. But then when he asks “is that new?” I say, “no I bought it a few weeks ago”, and then he’s like “yeah so it’s new”. Damn it. One time he said to me, “do you just hide your new stuff and not wear it for a few weeks so I don’t notice? Because I do notice”.

Awkies… I just re-read those last few lines, I totally sound like a shopaholic. Like I actually have a problem. On the upside, my closet is banging with lycra and stretchy stuff.

Rob’s asleep on the couch right now. I should do something funny to him. But I’m pretty sure it would result in me being on the ground in a choke hold or arm bar. Curse my lack of defence skills. No one is ever going to say “I challenge you to a handstand hold!”

Dang it.

My mum told me my brother is coming down to visit from San Diego soon. That’s awesome news. Too bad the first thing I thought of was whether he would be able to bring me over some pickles. I’m a terrible person.

P.s. Check out my badass t-shirt I got from Higher Primate. One day I'll meet Joe Rogan. One day.
Joe Rogan Experience represent.
My mum said I looked gangsta today. Thanks mum.

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