true story.

Cue some badass music because I have great news! Well various awesomeness in the news department really. First off, I have internet again. I feel like I need some sort of gospel choir on hand that can just break out into song about anything I want. Like the fact I have internet. Secondly, I'm cooking pork belly for dinner. BOOYAH. And thirdly, I did 50 kipping pull ups the other day... unbroken.

Just kidding. They totally weren't unbroken. You guys just lost your shit for a second. But still, let's not forget about the fact that I did 50 of them, without breaking anything. Holla.

just hanging out.
So yesterday was my day off and this is how I spent my time - slept in, went to the gym, got a PB, went to the supermarket, cooked, and sat on my couch. Oh yes, you read right. We now have a couch. And we bought it from COSTCO. I've been to Costco twice in this past week. Some may say I have no life... I would agree with you. But then again, who's got a slab of pork belly in their freezer? Check. Mate. There's something wrong with our oven. There's smoke all over the place. It's making blogging quite difficult because I feel like my eyes are about to fall out of my face. Where was I? Oh cooking. So I was listening to my music on shuffle and a few oldie but goodies came on. I was having a joyous time singing along to Bohemian Rhapsody and making slow cooked lamb shanks, until the song finished. And then what came on next made me scared and confused. Wait (The Whisper Song) by the Ying Yang Twins started. At what point in my life did I decide it was a good idea to get that song? I'm sure it was for comedic purposes, but I just wasn't ready to hear "got a sexy ass body and yo' ass look soft, mind if I touch it to see if it's soft". What? What does that even mean? I actually feel violated after listening to that song. It's so creepy when things are said in a whisper too. In conclusion, I think I got sexually harassed by the Ying Yang Twins in my kitchen.

You know what's demeaning? Apart from having Ying Yang Twins on my iPod. When I try to open a jar of olives. Seriously. Every time, this freaking jar of olives, it's like it has some sort of liddy death grip that's sole purpose in life is to make me feel like an idiot. I hate you jar of olives. Why are you so delicious? I'm so good to you and all I get in return is a struggle to the death to open your deceiving little twisty top. Stupid olives.

I'm on some sort of cookie rampage at the moment. I'm trying to perfect my paleo cookie recipe. It's going deliciously. I think the biggest thing is trying to get that crunchy yet doughy texture that I used to always get from that cookie dough you could buy in the refrigerated section of the supermarket. Holy balls that stuff is good. If you don't know what I'm talking about, your life just got a whole lot worse because now you're going to have to go to the supermarket, find this cookie dough, eat it raw, feel sick, and then want more. It's one of life's cruel mysteries. The cookie dough complex. Anyway, remember the days where baking seemed so carefree and simple? One cup of sugar, no worries! I never cared about sugar. I was one of those "I have a high metabolism" type people. I hate those people. Because I really don't have a high metabolism. I just like cake. True story. So in search of my perfect paleo cookie, I've baked about three different recipes since I last blogged. I did an almond and coconut flour cookie with orange rind. This turned out awesome, but got really soft and chewy after it cooled down. It kind of reminded me of an oatmeal cookie texture. So if you're into that, which I am, then it's still awesome. Basically I used a handful of dates, added a few tablespoons of coconut flour and a few tablespoons of almond meal, blended it together in my food processor to create a doughy sticky texture. Then I added a couple eggs, honey, some shredded coconut, grated orange peel, a few drops of almond essence, about a 1/4 teaspoon of baking soda and baking powder, then blended it again. It should be sticky enough to form a dough, but not too sticky that it's difficult to roll into cookie shapes. I do a lot of my baking by eye and I forget measurements. I'm a terrible reference for my own recipes. Anyway, I put them on a cookie sheet and placed a few slivered almonds on top of each one, along with a sprinkle of cinnamon and salt. They took about 8 minutes to cook. They were real tasty. The next batch I made were of just almond butter with no flours. I added honey, shredded coconut, two eggs, cacao powder, some chopped up loving earth chocolate, walnuts, baking powder and baking soda. So these were closer to a crunchy cookie, but they weren't sweet enough. SO this time around I did a mix between the two recipes. I used about a half cup of homemade almond butter, a few tablespoons of coconut flour, some walnuts, about five dates, a tablespoon of honey, chopped up loving earth chocolate, baking powder and baking soda, shredded coconut and salt. This is the closest I've come to a chewy and crunchy texture. I know it sounds a little excessive but you'll thank me later after baking these. Don't over cook them, put them in the oven around 175 degrees for about 10 minutes. Almond butter can brown really quick so watch them like a fat kid watches cake. Great analogy. I'm so smart.

orange and almond cookies.
almond butter and chocolate cookies.
almond butter and coconut flour chocolate cookies.

Woah I did filthy fifty the other weekend. That sucks donkey kong. Big time. It's pretty much one of the worst WODs out there. It is as follows to be completed for time:
50 box jumps, 24 inch box
50 jumping pull ups
50 kettle bell swings (16kg for girls)
50 walking lunges
50 knees to elbow
50 push press (15kg for girls)
50 back extensions
50 wall balls (7 kilos for girls)
50 burpees
50 double unders
If you've just read that and have thought "deathhhhhh", then you read right. It is mostly horrible. And then you get to the wall balls, and you think, "if I were dead right now, I wouldn't have to do this work out anymore". It's pretty depressing. The combination of wall balls, then burpees, and then double unders does not work well for anyone who has terrible coordination. Like yours truly. I managed to do it in 27 minutes, which I was very happy about. I had to scale the knees to elbow to just knee raises though because my stupid body sucks at knees to elbow and toes to bar and all that business. My body was in a world of hurt after that for a few days. So awesome. Yet so painful. Story of my life.

chalky hands and a sweaty face make for a dirty floor.
I did a 55kg low hang squat clean and also got a 60kg front squat in this past week. I'm kind of a big deal. Not really. I'm ridiculous. You know what doesn't make sense, that both of these movements involve squatting weight. And yet, for one I manage to squat 5 kilos heavier. Mind fuck. Crossfit makes me angry. I kicked the barbell the other day and possibly said a word that most human beings cringe at. I will not say said word. But it wasn't fuck. I've been practicing hand stands a lot too lately. I probably should be working on more pressing matters, but they're fun and I can do them at work.

I made a salad the other day. You don't seem excited. But when I tell you it had grilled haloumi cheese in it, I know you're now thinking "how come I don't have haloumi cheese in my fridge?" WHY DON'T YOU? It's my new favourite thing. We went over to Jonathon and Lindsay's place the other night and Jon cooked up some haloumi cheese to snack on. Mother of God. Grilled cheese that doesn't melt is a phenomenon in itself. That's like cirque du soleil stuff right there. But on top of that, it tastes like some sort of psychedelic cheese drug that takes me away to an alternate reality where cheese is made out of everything and you can even eat your own haloumi grilled face. I don't know what happened there. But I'll get back to the point. This salad had spinach, roasted pumpkin, beetroot, haloumi cheese and an apple cider vinegar dressing. Yeah, you know it. I'm trying to integrate more salads into my life. That doesn't sound very convincing. But I am. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I can't just live off of protein shakes, bananas and bacon. And cookies. What a bad ass diet. Just kidding, vegetables need lovin' too. I ate broccoli and carrots tonight. And then a cookie. Don't judge me.

Rob, Linds, Jonathon and I ate at Josie Bones the other night in Collingwood. Sweet zombie jesus that place is off the charts tasty. They brought out a plate of pork crackling that got demolished in about 5 seconds flat. We ordered ceviche, kangaroo, squid, goat, pig's head... seriously, the place has brass pig trotter's as door handles. It's amazing. I kind of went into a food coma after that. Everything else is a blur. A porky delicious blur.

first time Lindsay hasn't been
eating in my photos... dang.

I've been taking Alpha Brain for the past few days. Basically it's a brain pill. I won't go into the full details of what it comprises of, but it helps your body produce higher levels of acetylcholine which is supposed to benefit you in a butt load of different ways. One being that it creates vivid and lucid dreams. Heck yes it does. Every night since taking alpha brain I've had crazy dreams. Last night I tried to rear naked choke this crazy bitch! It was awesome. Then there were wolves and dogs and I was trying to protect the dogs. All kinds of cray. Hopefully tonight I dream about the perfect cookie recipe. And then I do some really heavy squats. That's pretty much the most boring dream ever. What is wrong with me? I have a problem.

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