lions and tigers and bears! Ok, just bears.

Did you know you can buy a pickle in a bag at the gas stations in Alaska? Now I'm a big fan of pickles, but one whole pickle in a liquidy bag at the gas station just does not look appealing at all. I think it's the whole floating in its own juices and the element of it being sold at a gas station that adds that creep factor. I ate deep fried pickles the other night. We were just outside of Denali at this restaurant that did deep fried pickles and deep fried cheese curds... Deep. Fried. Cheese. Why am I getting exposed to things like this? I can't handle it. For the record, it was hellishly good. They also made the best pork chops I've ever had in my life. Then I ate a peanut butter and chocolate piece of cake. Who do I think I am? I can tell you right now that the last couple of days have been a real struggle for me mentally. Yesterday was terrible. I was so cranky and Rob was just like "what is wrong with you?" and I'd do the standard "NOTHING!!!!" (insert crazy cat lady expression here). We both knew it was food depression. I'm not even joking. Firstly, I'm not saying that I was forced to eat deep fried pickle, I did that because it was weird and I like weird stuff like that. But I can honestly say that in Denali, there are 3 places to eat at, and they all do sandwiches and burgers for lunch. You can't escape it. I figured it was better to eat something (even if it was shit) rather than nothing at all but now I'm not so sure. Secondly, it pisses me off. I was just angry the whole day and sick of not having anything to eat. I've already told you about my demon-like qualities when I'm hungry, but when I'm hungry, and there's nothing to eat apart from something that contains at least sugar, corn, beans, grains or dairy, you just feel helpless. And thirdly, there's been no sun. So I get the combination of food depression and lack of vitamin D. I knew that things had to change. Yesterday I ate a burger for lunch and then I did 50 standard push ups and went for a run. I felt like I was going to vomit burger the whole run. On the upside, I was running around the forest and for the first time ever I actually had the thought "I could get attacked by a bear or a moose on this run". Nothing motivates you more than the idea of a bear mauling you to make you run faster and not stop. By the way, I did this run just after I found out a bear killed a guy in the park for the first time in the park's history. Rob and I went on this wildlife tour - if you know Rob, the idea of him being on a tour bus with a bunch of old American tourists is just fucking hilarious - around the park. You actually have to take a bus into the park as they don't allow you to go in any other way, so really we had no choice. Rob was face palming every five minutes on the bus and I was trying to calm him down, but it's kind of like trying to calm down the hulk. Especially when you have loud Americans surrounding you and there's no escape (by the way I am also an American citizen so I can say all this) for 7 hours, shit is gonna get real. But he coped and the tour got exponentially better once we saw a bear. Yes my friends, we ended up seeing three grizzly bears. I was pretty freaking stoked. I even spotted a bear! Okay, so maybe we saw the bear before on the way up but everyone was looking for it on the way back and yours truly saw it first. The term "eagle eyes" was thrown around a bit but I didn't let it get to my head... But seriously, I'm awesome. Anyway, we also saw two moose, four caribou, lots of dall sheep and a porcupine. We literally drove past the ranger just as she had discovered the remains of the body :-/ No one was telling us what had happened, the bus driver kept saying it was probably a bear killing another animal and they close off the area so that hikers don't walk into the vicinity but then it was confirmed in the news the next day that a man had been killed after taking photos of the bear and being only 50 yards away from it which was way too close (hikers are strictly told to never go closer than 100 yards of an animal). They killed the bear yesterday. It's just a shitty situation because it's sad that someone died, and that a wild animal was killed due to a human being not abiding by park rules. Anyway, you know what they tell you to do if you see a bear? To look big and make yourself known. If you run they chase you. Awesome. Our tour guide lady was like "just to remind everyone, what do you do if you see a bear?" and I was like "pffft run the fuck away" to Rob. By the way, I'm really skilled in the whole wildlife department. Obviously. But no, you can't run. Can you imagine trying to look big in front of a bear? They weigh like 250 kilos. I weigh 57.5kg. Did I just put my weight on my blog? Ugh. Oh well, I'm trying to make a point. How in the hell do you try and look big in front of an animal that weighs 200 kilos more than you? They told us to wave your arms around. If I was a bear, and I saw you waving your arms around in front of me, I'd probably think you were one of those wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men.  And I would maul you because you looked stupid.

Rob and I fight a lot. And not in the annoying bickering way that makes you want to tear your face off when you have to hear that coming from two other people within an ear shot of you. In the physical way. I think it works well for us. Although I'm not a violent person... I'm sorry, we all know that's a ridiculous lie, although Rob is a fully grown man he doesn't seem to hold back much. I've come out of some fights with bruises. Not even kidding. I slapped him in the face once. Not hard. But it wasn't a good idea. We were battling it out in front of our tour bus and I could see all the old women watching on with concerning looks on their faces. He pulled my hair. I don't think they liked that very much. Another time Rob pushed me on to the ground. Bastard. I yell out "abuse!" all the time but no one cares. I need to learn some tricky ninja shit to get him back. Right now I'm not doing so well.

I tell you what freaks me out big time. Shower curtains. I freaking hate those things. You have to do the awkward manoeuvre in the shower so that it doesn't stick to you, and if it does touch you you just feel violated and want to sit at the bottom of the shower rocking back and forwards in the fetal position. All I think about is some old man's wrinkly ass sliding along the curtain which has now touched me and I am scarred for life.

After my horrible last few days of eating I finally got my shit together and ate right today. I had a proper breakfast of bacon and eggs, lunch was a pulled pork sandwich which I removed the bread and just ate the pork, and I haven't had dinner yet but considering I feel a bajillion times better today I don't think non-paleo foods are going to be on the cards. Rob even ate peanut m&m's in front of me and I had none. PEANUT M&M's people. They taste like rainbows. There's also a Cinnabon here at the airport which I have to deal with smelling while waiting 3 hours before I can check in to then eat dinner. It has now been 8 and a half hours since I had lunch. And I'm at an airport. The most irritating place on earth. God help us all.
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